Keep going, you are not there yet.
It’s been a minute. Where to even begin ….
My mind is swirling right now. Not merely because I have ADD (side note: I actually do have ADD; it’s not just a funny little quip about general scatter-brainedness, though I have that too), but because there’s a lot going on in the modern world, and in my world, and I am trying to grasp at each dangling thread, pulling them together to make some sort of cohesive meld out of dissonance.
Before I do that, let me share with you some words I found today, words written on the eve of my 43rd birthday, in December 2019. Read them, and then perhaps we’ll both begin to understand what I’m feeling in this moment:
It is said we should craft the life we desire to live, yet we live in a reality that most often pushes us in directions that are opposed to those desires. On the one hand, society hints that we should “live authentically” and “act intentionally” … even as it clamors for our attention from every direction save the very one that is the most authentic and intentioned.
I’ve felt this dissonance for many years (decades), never truly understanding it’s disharmonious nature except for those times when the unrest would settle beneath my skin and tingle, an itch that couldn’t quite be scratched, a discomfort that buzzed on the distant periphery of true consciousness. Even as I performed noble and beautiful acts — marrying my husband, mothering my children, caring for aging grandparents, donating my time and efforts to worthy causes — there was always this niggling thing, whispering to me in the driest reaches of my soul
keep going, you are not there yet
For decades I’ve chalked it up to the simple disconnect inherent in being a soul housed inside a human body, the dual reality of spirit and flesh, an ever-aching yearning for God’s presence, for heaven, for long-lost Eden amidst the broken world. And all of those super-spiritual books I’ve read, the Bible studies I attended, the fellow Believers I’ve conversed with, all of it pointed fingers at That, nodding heads, agreeing with it — and agreeing to its unattainableness.
And yet it persisted.
And so I persisted, at times crafting, to the best of my ability, the life I dream of living, one tender moment at a time, a life that included a morning of yoga followed by hot tea and avocado toast, all before the break of dawn. Another day it was the hours before lunch spent editing photographs, corresponding with clients, and planning vacations.
What sort of life do I wish to craft? Am I indeed living with full intention?
Lunch will be replaced by an English style high tea, with scones (properly pronounced "skahns") and clotted cream, finger sandwiches, and wild local honey for a personal pot of Earl Grey.
After lunch/tea, I will read nourishing books and knit comfy things, like socks and cardigans, followed by an hour-long walk in the woods with my camera before returning to my desk to edit magical, beautiful images.
Dinner will be warm things -- thick stoups with root vegetables or creamy casseroles with foraged mushrooms -- followed by an evening spent laughing at inconsequential things, with my husband and daughters, who are the most consequential of my life.
Basically, I want to be English .... in an eternal December and a sort of 2020-meets-1948 version of it. I'm nearly halfway there, what with my avocado toast and excellent photography skills. Perhaps there's hope for me.
Now it is 2021, the hangover of 2020, with its assorted and sundry emotional triggers and resultant scars, still lingering in the air above and the quagmire below.
And I am struck at how little I have changed, even as 2020 changed me — changed us all. And I am struck that I chose “intention” to be my focus word for the year 2021. And I am struck —
just struck
I can say, with absolute certainty, that I aim to continue crafting, to continue pushing forward into daily beginnings, to continue choosing intention and hope and purpose. I shall drink copious amounts of tea, and I shall concoct comforting casseroles, and I shall strike out in faith and make this year what it will be and be who I will be.
keep going, you are not there yet
But I’m closer. And I’m closing in.